just one of those rants (2006-2007)

I had a rude awakening this week – It pays to be tanga (dumb) sometimes.

I am not dyslexic, but if I will be compared to one when it comes to responses a lot of people would say mine is always slower. This is why a lot of people think I am stupid.

For years I have tried to deny this. I made myself believe my intelligence is above average. People can hardly notice I cannot answer a simple question because I always have an excuse and always have some other things to say.
But I am getting older and more insecure lately. When people jokingly say I’m stupid, it is starting to get into my nerves. Sometimes no one is even saying it but I can tell from their stares that they think I am no good. I can be that paranoid sometimes.

My greatest achievement so far other than getting paid Php3,000 per show, (I am a singer) is earning more than what my grouchy immediate supervisor makes. This was made possible by the business outsourcing industry. My tax return now shows I am earning Php219,000 annualy or close to Php18,000 a month, that’s a lot higher than what a manager from a local company makes and this does not include the allowance, incentives and benefits yet.

But for some reason I have to give this up.

I have always had a problem with authority ever since I started working way back in college.

I remember my first job as a video shop crew. I was friends with the area manager so no branch manager, more so a crew like me, can make a wrong move against me because they know they’ll be fired. So when the area manager resigned, I was the first to get laid off and I don’t know why. Maybe undergraduate store cashiers are not really meant for regularization and that sad truth gave me my first heartbreak as an employee. I consider losing a job similar to losing a boyfriend.

Because of that incident, I have always been on the look out for policies that hurts employees.

My co-workers loved me, but not my bosses. That’s where my problem with authority started.
Since I live in a make believe world that I am the best, with an above average intelligence, I am not afraid of anyone, not even the owner of a company!

I was also asked to resign from my second job because I got into a heated argument with the managing director, AKA owner of the company. He was so intimidated with my “intelligence” that he had to ask my direct supervisor to ask me to resign. He could not tell it on my face.
My job then was a corporate sales executive for a five star hotel and we have the best sales manager in the industry at that time, which again have to resign because her boss sucks. That leaves us to suffer “direct”. Imagine he wanted us to go out in the field without any transportation allowance! He says we should not stay in the office.

One day he caught me in the office setting up appointments over the phone and preparing letters I need to hand carry to my prospects and then he scolded me. He said I should be out in the field. I told him I have better chances booking a function if I know the decision makers. That I have to drop by with a letter, rather than just dropping by unarmed on every building because I might end up talking only to the security guard.

I made him look stupid. He is the boss. How come he does not know these things? Unfortunately, he does not like being told what to do and did not take these constructively that’s why I was asked to resign that day.

Again, that’s the end of my first job after I graduated college.

I had a couple of jobs after that which again I lost because of similar situations.
I honestly think I do not have a problem with authority. They are the one who cannot handle the fact that I am better than them. They always see me as a threat or a “kill joy” workaholic.

Before I got the job where in I get paid more than my manager gets, I was in call center. It is my first time to resign because of all the nine jobs I have had in my lifetime, I am always asked to resign.

I was so furious because the people there are glamorizing petiks (slacking on the job) I was not friends with my boss so while they are all busy smoking, sleeping on company time, I was left with all the work.

I got burned out that’s why I resigned. Luckily I got a higher paying job a couple of months after.
But I am going to repeat what I mentioned earlier – For some reason I have to give it up.
I never had enemies on this job. Again it is the best so far. The pay is good and the people are nice.
I cannot explain what happened because I don’t understand it myself. Maybe because of the fact that I am really dumb by nature.(I will only admit this once) That’s why it is important for me to feel intelligent all the time and the best way to experience this is to challenge someone.
On that job there is no one to challenge. Most of my colleagues were younger. Even my bosses are younger so it is not worth the challenge. There are no wrong doings to correct (unlike on my previous jobs where I play policeman to my “criminal co-workers”) because the company is too organized they do the “punishing” themselves and the employees are afraid to lose their high paying job.

The people are nice. Now what the hell do I think is wrong with that? Isn’t this what I want? For my co-employees to respect me?

Well I have been late to realize they do not have time to be evil because they are too busy ignoring me because I am not worth the challenge. They do not see me as a threat because they are that confident they are better than me.

I felt really old and more insecure. I am not ready to face reality. They all made me feel I am dumb - I am so afraid of this truth, that’s why I resigned.